LiLo tells ‘Us,’ “I’m so hurt that someone who calls himself my father, needs to use the press to communicate with me.”

Whew. I’m still astounded that someone who doesn’t want her father to use the press to communicate with her uses the press to communicate her business with EVERYBODY.

She also lamented, “It’s so sad that he needs to stay in the media spotlight by using my name and making up excessive lies. He should instead try to be a real father.”

Poor Lohans. Somebody needs to get them into Britney Bootcamp with Jamie Spears as their conservator. Now there’s a guy who can turn a dirtbag into a goldmine.

Enquiring minds want to know important stuff like:

1. Whether she’ll remarry.

2. Where she sees her family 10 years from now.

3. The price fame has had on her children.

Geez, why wait til Monday? If you want to find out the answers right now, I can help…

1. Duh! The real question is WHOM will she marry? The Bodyguard, of course.

2. On reality show rehab.

3. I believe it was $50,000 an episode.

“You know when your baby smiles for the first time – I reach for the iPhone and take the photo. No wonder why he is smiling – because my nipple is in the photo!

It’s worse than drunk dialing!”

In fairness to drunk dialers, I’d say it’s worse than Hot Topics.

But congratulations on joining the ranks of celebrity nipple-slippers… oh, and the baby too.

The build-up is tense. Just what is Ms. Banks sporting under all those waves and weaves? So Tyra wets it down and lets loose for the big reveal. Whoop-dee-frickin’ do! She has hair! Real, beautiful, hair. Now I kind of dig crazy-ass Tyra, but her never-ending stunts to show how beautiful she is all in the name of helping women is soooooo tiring.

But if she’s got false teeth or webbed feet or something, that’s what I really want to see.

“People take everything from you when you’re in this business. Your anonymity is stripped from you. They invade every part of your personal life, your relationships. Everything you say gets judged, everything you do gets judged. Literally all I have left are my private parts and I don’t want to also share them with the world. I’d like to keep them private. That’s why they’re called that!”

Whaaa? Girl has some serious self-esteem issues comparing herself to a hippo. But what happens when she’s 25 and desperately clinging to what’s left of her fleeting fame. Will she go for the hippo shot then?

In perhaps a case of cold feet, ‘Dancing With the Stars’ couple Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff are reported to have called off their engagement. While Maks is mum, Karina’s rep confirms the split.

The couple became engaged last New Year’s Eve, with plans to wed in June 2010.

The next season of ‘DWTS’ starts September 21st, with Karina, 31, pairing up with Aaron Carter and Maks, 28, stepping out with Debi Mazar.

Ooh, this could be awkard. I can’t wait to see ladies man Carter try to sweep Karina off her feet.

Ugh! He’s at it again. Your soon-to-be-ex-hubby, but not-soon-enough-for-me has been griping to Chris Cuomo from ‘ABC News’ about how you ‘abused’ him.

“Our relationship will never be fixed. I don’t trust her anymore. I was abused… I was beaten down. I’m not going back to that life style.”

LOL! Without you, Kate, SpongeJon Flarepants has NO LIFE and NO STYLE!

Can you believe this???

“In 10 years, I’ve never gone out… I used to say, ‘OK, I’m not going to go out.’ I was very passive. This is the first time I said, ‘You know what? I want to see my friends. I’m going out. That was the first time in my life I ever stood up to Kate… I just felt like I had to take back some time in my life, and I did it. And I felt really good. I made my own decision… I was beaten down for so long, I couldn’t even make my own decision. And when I did, I was like, holy cow! You know? Yeah, what’s she gonna do? Divorce me? All right. Obviously.”

Uh, ya. When you started dating teenaged crackwhores!

Anyways, Kate. You don’t deserve this from that ungrateful sloth. Any man worth his salt would be proud to be belittled by you. And as for your kids, well, I could only wish my parents would have exploited me with playhouses, vacations, a beautiful mansion and hopefully a hefty trust fund.

Keep doing what you do best!

No, no, it wasn’t Chris Brown, but NFLer Shawne Merriman. Little Tila’s got spunk, making a citizen’s arrest on Merriman, charging the San Diego Charger with battery and false imprisonment. Merriman, however, says he was just trying to keep Tequila from driving drunk.

Tila was whisked away to hospital, while Merriman was frisked away to jail.

No sorries needed, Whitney, you were awesome. Better to have cracked pipes than a crack pipe, anyday!

Wow, what are those things on Rihanna’s chest? You know, those orbs under those shiny pasties?

The “Italian Vogue” Extreme Couture bondage shoot sheds some light on RiRi’s dark side as she exposes her breast implants and uh, lip muzzle among other things. Maybe that’s why she’s not talking about the Chris Brown assault incident.

Hey, now that would be a great accessory for Brown to put an end to his insufferable sympathy tour.

Geez, Chris all you need to do is stop throwing hits and start making hits, (as in music, I mean). I promise, all will be forgiven. Because the sad truth is, people don’t really give a rat’s backhand about domestic violence compared to celebrity status.

Now if your beat-up girlfriend was some anonymous Jane Ho instead of Rihanna, the outcry would have been more like a whisper.

Mike Tyson is a rapist; Brandy, Matthew Broderick and Rebecca Gayheart are killers; R. Kelly‘s a pedophile, Halle Berry‘s a hit-and-runner; nearly every celeb under the age of 25 is a drunk driver…

So, Chris, fire your PR hack, send yo’ Momma home, start dating some no-name ho, keep your fists in your pockets and get your act back on track. And spare us the bowtie, really.