Lohan’s Gold Mine

Lindsay Lohan should have opted for jail instead of extended probation for her 2007 DUI (Dumb, Unconscious Idiocy). With her Dad trying to seek a conservatorship, she’d be better off behind bars. Prison bars, Lindz, not drinking establishments.

LiLo tells ‘Us,’ “I’m so hurt that someone who calls himself my father, needs to use the press to communicate with me.”

Whew. I’m still astounded that someone who doesn’t want her father to use the press to communicate with her uses the press to communicate her business with EVERYBODY.

She also lamented, “It’s so sad that he needs to stay in the media spotlight by using my name and making up excessive lies. He should instead try to be a real father.”

Poor Lohans. Somebody needs to get them into Britney Bootcamp with Jamie Spears as their conservator. Now there’s a guy who can turn a dirtbag into a goldmine.

Special Kate

Apparently Kate Gosselin has some ‘splainin to do since receiving almost 9,000 questions from fans to be answered on a “special” episode of the ill-fated TLC series ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8′ to be aired next Monday.

Enquiring minds want to know important stuff like:

1. Whether she’ll remarry.

2. Where she sees her family 10 years from now.

3. The price fame has had on her children.

Geez, why wait til Monday? If you want to find out the answers right now, I can help…

1. Duh! The real question is WHOM will she marry? The Bodyguard, of course.

2. On reality show rehab.

3. I believe it was $50,000 an episode.

Elisabits Hasselbeck

Upon returning to ABC’s ‘The View’ yesterday after a two-month maternity leave (only two months? How barbaric!), conservative co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck let it slip that she mistakenly showed her booby bits to friends and family.

“You know when your baby smiles for the first time – I reach for the iPhone and take the photo. No wonder why he is smiling – because my nipple is in the photo!

It’s worse than drunk dialing!”

In fairness to drunk dialers, I’d say it’s worse than Hot Topics.

But congratulations on joining the ranks of celebrity nipple-slippers… oh, and the baby too.

Tyra’s Hair Do-Do

Leave it to Tyra Banks to think we should give a crap about her ‘real’ hair. To kick off season five of her talk, talk, talk show, Tyra has self-proclaimed the day, “National Real Hair Day” to let Tyra show off just how dang naturally beautiful she is.

The build-up is tense. Just what is Ms. Banks sporting under all those waves and weaves? So Tyra wets it down and lets loose for the big reveal. Whoop-dee-frickin’ do! She has hair! Real, beautiful, hair. Now I kind of dig crazy-ass Tyra, but her never-ending stunts to show how beautiful she is all in the name of helping women is soooooo tiring.

But if she’s got false teeth or webbed feet or something, that’s what I really want to see.

Hip Hippo Ray!

Three cheers for Megan Fox for not wanting to forge a career from a sex tape scandal. Unlike the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, just the thought of being caught in a sex tape or nude on film has Megan Fox reeling. The star of ‘Jennfier’s Body’ tells ‘MTV News’, “Never! Ugh, never! That’s the last thing I want to see is what I look like having sex.

“It would take one shot of me not looking good and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex.

“I can’t ever imagine myself doing nudity in a film. It lives forever, especially now, with the Internet. I just can’t. I just can’t. That’s the only thing I have left.

“People take everything from you when you’re in this business. Your anonymity is stripped from you. They invade every part of your personal life, your relationships. Everything you say gets judged, everything you do gets judged. Literally all I have left are my private parts and I don’t want to also share them with the world. I’d like to keep them private. That’s why they’re called that!”

Whaaa? Girl has some serious self-esteem issues comparing herself to a hippo. But what happens when she’s 25 and desperately clinging to what’s left of her fleeting fame. Will she go for the hippo shot then?

Karina and Maks Do the Split

In perhaps a case of cold feet, ‘Dancing With the Stars’ couple Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff are reported to have called off their engagement. While Maks is mum, Karina’s rep confirms the split.

The couple became engaged last New Year’s Eve, with plans to wed in June 2010.

The next season of ‘DWTS’ starts September 21st, with Karina, 31, pairing up with Aaron Carter and Maks, 28, stepping out with Debi Mazar.

Ooh, this could be awkard. I can’t wait to see ladies man Carter try to sweep Karina off her feet.

Jon Hates On Kate

Dear Kate,

Ugh! He’s at it again. Your soon-to-be-ex-hubby, but not-soon-enough-for-me has been griping to Chris Cuomo from ‘ABC News’ about how you ‘abused’ him.

“Our relationship will never be fixed. I don’t trust her anymore. I was abused… I was beaten down. I’m not going back to that life style.”

LOL! Without you, Kate, SpongeJon Flarepants has NO LIFE and NO STYLE!

Can you believe this???

“In 10 years, I’ve never gone out… I used to say, ‘OK, I’m not going to go out.’ I was very passive. This is the first time I said, ‘You know what? I want to see my friends. I’m going out. That was the first time in my life I ever stood up to Kate… I just felt like I had to take back some time in my life, and I did it. And I felt really good. I made my own decision… I was beaten down for so long, I couldn’t even make my own decision. And when I did, I was like, holy cow! You know? Yeah, what’s she gonna do? Divorce me? All right. Obviously.”

Uh, ya. When you started dating teenaged crackwhores!

Anyways, Kate. You don’t deserve this from that ungrateful sloth. Any man worth his salt would be proud to be belittled by you. And as for your kids, well, I could only wish my parents would have exploited me with playhouses, vacations, a beautiful mansion and hopefully a hefty trust fund.

Keep doing what you do best!

A Shot at Tila

Tila Tequila, star of MTV’s ‘A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila’ shot back at her boyfriend early Sunday morning after he allegedly choked and restrained her as she tried to leave his home.

No, no, it wasn’t Chris Brown, but NFLer Shawne Merriman. Little Tila’s got spunk, making a citizen’s arrest on Merriman, charging the San Diego Charger with battery and false imprisonment. Merriman, however, says he was just trying to keep Tequila from driving drunk.

Tila was whisked away to hospital, while Merriman was frisked away to jail.

Crack is Back

Leave Whitney aloooooone!! I curse all the haters who criticize Whitney Houston for her so-called lacklustre performance on GMA last week. Think of what this woman has been through! She even apologized onstage for her voice cracks due to yakking it up with Oprah.

No sorries needed, Whitney, you were awesome. Better to have cracked pipes than a crack pipe, anyday!

Rihanna’s Not So Cute Couture

Wow, what are those things on Rihanna’s chest? You know, those orbs under those shiny pasties?

The “Italian Vogue” Extreme Couture bondage shoot sheds some light on RiRi’s dark side as she exposes her breast implants and uh, lip muzzle among other things. Maybe that’s why she’s not talking about the Chris Brown assault incident.

Hey, now that would be a great accessory for Brown to put an end to his insufferable sympathy tour.

Geez, Chris all you need to do is stop throwing hits and start making hits, (as in music, I mean). I promise, all will be forgiven. Because the sad truth is, people don’t really give a rat’s backhand about domestic violence compared to celebrity status.

Now if your beat-up girlfriend was some anonymous Jane Ho instead of Rihanna, the outcry would have been more like a whisper.

Mike Tyson is a rapist; Brandy, Matthew Broderick and Rebecca Gayheart are killers; R. Kelly‘s a pedophile, Halle Berry‘s a hit-and-runner; nearly every celeb under the age of 25 is a drunk driver…

So, Chris, fire your PR hack, send yo’ Momma home, start dating some no-name ho, keep your fists in your pockets and get your act back on track. And spare us the bowtie, really.